We Love You to the Moon and Back: Your 12/1/23 Real Estate Horoscope for the Cosmic Market

“Millionaires don't use astrology, billionaires do.” - J.P. Morgan

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):

Hey, Sagittarius babies! Strap on those fanny packs and grab your lip balm—it's cosmic house-hunting time! Spill the beans about your dream home with unapologetic enthusiasm. Seek the unvarnished reality behind hidden closets and creaky floorboards. Embrace positivity with boundless enthusiasm. Mars, our cosmic real estate agent, explores Sagittarius until January 4th.

Rediscover those property adventures and educational quests you stashed away—now's the time to revive them. Life's short, so why not go all-in on your home-buying dreams?

Task at hand? Target the bullseye for your ambition arrows. Mars tosses energy like confetti at an open house. Clever real estate adventurers start with a solid game plan and a hefty supplies list. So, focus your mojo on house-hunting schemes promising gold mines of discovery. And, above all, enjoy the ride! 🌌🏡✨

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):

Treat yo’ self and opt out of the grind.

Hoist audacity like a "Sold" sign and let's torch those negative habits and self-sabotaging quirks that are as ancient as shag carpeting. Does your self-talk need a renovation – with enough tenacity, even the most unyielding routines can do a 180 like a newly listed home. Consider self-care your VIP key to unlock a whole new floor plan for the mansion of you. Remember, it's not just a glow-up; it's a grand opening for the real estate empire of your health and happiness! 🏠🔥✨

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):

Rally your cheerleaders in a collab for future you.

Load up your moving van and call in your biggest hype people: destination… unknown. Adventure is best enjoyed with co-pilots, but remember - wherever you go, there you are.  Let collaborative creation be the architectural blueprint breathing new life into your passion for living. It's not just a rollercoaster; it's the energy boost you need to co-design your greatest life. The ROI you'll receive from this period of collaborative investment will pay dividends for seasons to come.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):

Embrace your inner homebody — connect with the bigger picture.

Wrap yourself in warmest cozies and explore your nest to unveil hidden gems. Savor the panoramic view hiding in plain sight, and you just might uncover a treasure or two in your cozy corners – it's like finding a secret room in your own house! Feeling adventurous? Share the warmth with your chosen family. It’s imperative to  find the perfect steward for the sanctuary of your heart. That goes for your real estate doula, too. Remember, every real estate jackpot starts with a leap of faith – just like deciding to trust that wonky-looking step in the old house you're eyeing!

Aries (March 21 - April 19):

You've definitely got something to say, but hold the phone, McButtkicker.  Before you rent a billboard on the highway of your wildest and weirdest visions, give your mind a little space to roam.  Otherwise, it might just pass out from its own dutch over under the duvet of your former self.   Find yourself lost in front of an abandoned rowhouse? It has a story to tell you. Promise. 

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):

You've tightened the belt, Taurus, but have you examined what's actually in your pants?  That telescope Aunt Midge gave you to watch the Perseid shower when you were 12 (or its equivalent, astro-skeptics -- walk with me down the tunnel of this metaphor) just might come in handy, so put on your N-95 and shake up some dust while you dig the box out of the attic where it's stored. Your fidush sitch is sturdier than you fear, especially if you hook up with a financial planner to really explore all your options.  Have you considered a three-legged race?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):

Bringing your wacky friend with you on house tours? Don't be surprised if they're out of the blue ready to make an offer while you're still counting unwrapped lifesavers in the glove compartment.  Diffuse the tension with a punny joke.  Here's one: A chemist walked into a couch store and ended up buying a photon. Say yes to the thrill of the hunt!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):

You are afloat on a river of restoration, sweet pea, and the water might feel cold or like it's full of electric eels, but your system is getting an existential colonic that will will benefit you for years. Don't let anyone steal your joy, especially when it feels hard to come by! While you're at it, ask good questions about what you're learning from that giant soul wedgie you never asked for. Maybe you've always been a 'gazebo' kinda person, but have you considered a pergola? Huh? Adventure awaits in your future exterior hangout space. 

Leo (July 23 - August 22):

Your DIY muscles could be massively supercharged by the solar power grid of community if you let the sunshine in.  What good is sitting alone in your room, even if you are removing drywall while you do it? Don't just manage your life, Leo, live it!   Painting Paisley's kitchen while she sings off key or helping Derrick caulk his tub won't just teach you new things about how houses work, you'll dip your toes back into the source, while you're at it.   Have you ever considered owning rental property?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22):

Our elders long to tell us their stories, Virgo.  Get on the horn and talk to yours. They might share an unremarkable romp through their last trip to TJ Maxx, or they could crack open a window into some of their most vivid dreams.  Listen like your intergenerational story counts on it, and take the long view of your own life for a minute. See? adjustable rate mortgages aren't always a bad thing - you just have to prepare for the big bumps when you can. 

Libra (September 23 - October 22):

Welcome to the jungle, Libra.  You are in learning mode, hard core! Bring your notebook, don't fear the reaper, and ask the agent about what's NOT in the seller's disclosure! Brevity might be the soul of wit, but not necessarily of the full story on that Zillow crush you've been secretly writing to during study hall.  And when your questions aren't immediately answered in conversation, be like Depeche Mode and Enjoy the Silence. Sometimes taking an awkwardly long pause will end up giving you more details than you could have ever dreamed of.  Now the question, of course, is, do the curtains match the drapes?

Scorpio (October 23 to December 21):

Wealth takes many forms, and your notion of how you create way more of it is about to follow the motion of the ocean. Get ready to fill your shopping cart with revenue generating opportunities, supermarket sweeper.  But they're like most baking ingredients, they don't taste good until you mix them all together and turn up the heat!  Make some space in your home for that cheddar by throwing a killer garage sale for the ages. You might just start levitating from the freedom that comes with simplifying. 

🧚🏼🤷‍♂️💅🏾👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕶️  🧚🏼🤷‍♂️💅🏾👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕶️  🧚🏼🤷‍♂️💅🏾👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕶️  🧚🏼🤷‍♂️💅🏾👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕶️  🧚🏼🤷‍♂️💅🏾👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕶️ 🧚🏼🤷‍♂️💅🏾👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕶️ 🧚🏼🤷‍♂️💅🏾👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🕶️

So there you have it, starry-eyed home seekers! TLDR? OPTIMISTICALLY OVERDO IT! AGGRESSIVE GENEROSITY! LIFE IS SHORT!

As always, may your house hunting journey be as puckish as a retrograde Mercury, and your closing day be smoother than a Virgo's perfectly folded laundry. Happy house hunting in the cosmic real estate market! 🌌🏡✨